Destructive Comparison

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This post was written by Arne Dörries

Good, better, best

Pretty much anywhere we go, things are being compared.

From income, to how many followers we have on social media, the grades we receive at school and how much we weigh. The list of categories in which we as humans rate and compare is endless. The resulting hierachies leave few winners, and a majority of loosers. How is it, that we haven't yet realized the disadvantages and danger of these rating systems? And how is it, that our social structures seem to support them as well? In today's post, I want to focus on the self initiated comparison we force upon us. I tell you, why I think it doesn't do anyone a favor, but also talk about what I believe to be the reason why we tend to be so prone to it. Let's get started.

The endless cycle

To get right to the point, the problem with comparison is that there are mostly loosers and very few (often none) who win. Why is that? Well, chances of you being the best at something are pretty low. You might be the best in your class or in your local environment in some category. But what happens once you start exceeding those directly around you? The answer: You quickly find new people outside of this inner circle that are better than you and start comparing yourself to them. And like that, the endless cylce continues. Because let's keep it real, you are not the best at anything. In whatever respect, there will always be someone better than you. And even if you did reach the worldwide top in some skill, you would probably spend almost all your life getting there, only to be kicked of the throne by some new youngstar a couple years later. And does that sound like an apelling life? Not to me. The problem with comparison: You always loose!

Lack of authenticty

Let's look at another problem with comparing yourself to others: Most of the time, what you compare yourself to isn't authentic. In today's branding world where everyone is selling themselves on social media, trying to impress and convince others of their wonderful and perfect life, what you compare yourself to are mostly nothing but narrated archetypes that have no real existence beyond their empty shells. These days, the pressure of keeping up causes people to only show their best while desperately trying to hide their imperfections. And whilst there are people who will genuinely do better than you in every respect, the majority has just become pretty good at faking it. In consequence, comparing yourself to others not only leaves you loosing. It also creates the false illusion of the existence of perfection, a bottomless trap of doubt and despair.

How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.
Marcus Aurelius

Why we keep comparing

Having said, that everyone looses when we promote comparative thinking, why is it that we don't go against it and instead even reinforce it through social structures like the school system for example? What I believe to be the reason, is the one responsible for most of average human behavior: It is comfortable. Just like there will always be people better than you, chances are equally high there will usually be people doing worse than you as well. Combine this with human's greatest skill (being able to bend reality and live illusions) and you end up with people putting all their energy in trying to find others worse than them, instead of striving to become better themselves. Not only does this cause massive cognitive dissonance and damage to social networks, it is also a painful waste of human potential.

As long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.
C.S. Lewis

The sickness of comparison

Recalling the thoughts from above, where is comparison leading us? And what greater consequences does it have on individual and social life? Let me distill: Living life based on comparison means wanting everyone else around to do bad, so that you an feel good about yourself. That is what comparison is all about. It is about being first, not about doing the best you can. The only goal is to be better than your peers, however much of your actual capabalities that might require. So essentially, happiness gets bound to the failure of those around. Reread the last phrase. Isn't that a pretty messed up and toxic way to live life? And how is that supposed to work for several people when there is only one first place available? Make up your own mind, but I don't see it work out.

(...) who is first, who is second, who is third. You want to be first. So your sense of happiness is only when everybody is doing worse than you. What kind of life is that?
Jaggi Vasudev

Healthy comparison

All these negative things said about comparison, isn't there some virtue in it as well? I do believe that comparison does have its place in the world. In a way, it is even necissary. Because not comparing things would basically mean disregarding diversity and giving everything the same value, which of course is not reality. Gold is not silver, black is not white and kindness is not the same as hatred. Once we overdo things though, that is when things get ugly (categorization and racism being one fitting example). So where is the balance? Refraiming the quote down below, I believe the sweet spot is where we limit the range of comparison to ourselves. By only measuring ourselves with who we were yesterday, we eliminate inauthentic representations of competetors, whilst simoultaneously encouraging daily and continueous development without making this development dependent on others.

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.
Jordan B. Peterson

Conclusion

Ever experienced the overwhelming feeling of being so much worse at everything than those around you? I definitely have. And although I am actually pretty good at a lot of things, it is often the case that I might not suck, but that there will still always be someone else in the room doing better than me. For the longest time, I have allowed this feeling to get close to me and make me doubt myself and my abilities. What took me a long time to realize and still takes me serious effort to implement, is acknowledging, that what I tend to compare myself to are mostly very limited and edited snippets of other people's lives. Today, I am trying hard to be more self focussed and consistantly remind myself that I am the only person I should compare myself to. The alternative doesn't do anyone a favor and is only holding me back from reaching my full potential. Which option do you choose?