Love contracts
Introduction
Quick disclaimer this is not a post about actual contracts like marriage or divorce contracts. This is about making your family and your relationship work within life. About treating it as a project, about improving with your partner and about finding balance. This is a follow up post to my first post, this would be kind of like a guideline of how you could plan your love life for it to work. Love contracts as agreements between partners to regularly commit to time spent together, discussing certain questions...
This post covers...
💡 life as a project
📃 The contract
⌛️ Other thoughts
📋 Summary
🔗 Links
Life as a project
I’m not going to go deep into this idea since this is a topic broad enough for its own post (hopefully Arne will write about it soon 😉). But briefly say YOUR life is in YOUR hands. You have a schedule for work or school if it applies, you organise most aspects of it, you try to find the best way to work efficiently, to divide your day, to take notes, you have meetings with your boss to see what needs to be better, you get assessed on your school work, you put in effort in all those aspects. Most people reading this will have some form of written contract with an employer of sort "here are the terms of our working relationship". However I bet you don't have an agreement with the terms of your marital/friendship relationship.
The contract
It's time to think, what works for you, for both of you.
I'm going to explain what I believe a "love contract" should look like. For different situations take the same principles and apply them to your circumstances.
1️⃣ Establish 4 date nights per month. This night must have no interruptions from work, no going to your parents house, no night with friends, just the two of them. Let people know that you will not be available at that time, make quality time a priority or you'll relationship will be left behind.
2️⃣ Set up 4 nights a month to go out SEPARATELY. It's important to have external people that influence our lives, different opinions, different personalities, different environments... This night is free to do whatever you like as long as it doesn't fall in the list of things the other person is not okay with.
This "list" doesn't have to be an actual list, although it could be useful but you at least have to talk about the things you wouldn't like the other person to do in order to keep each other happy. Obviously everyone is free to do what they please but when you are in a couple you have to take the other persons feelings into account. what might bother you might not bother your partner, which is why it's important to communicate what you wouldn't like the other person to do. However, this does not mean that if your partner doesn't like you doing something you automatically have to stop doing it, but you have to talk about it and explain both your points of views.
3️⃣ Every time your partner comes to you with a problem, complaining, or just tells you something that has happened, ask them if in that moment they want advice or to be heard. Sometimes people just need to feel understood and not a rational solution. When what you want from your partner is not what you get, needs are not being met and this can result in problems. This goes with everything, communicating your needs will save you from many arguments.
4️⃣ Lastly and most importantly, have weekly reviews. This is a bit of a mix between those daily reviews people do on themselves like "want went well today", "what could have gone better", "what am i grateful for"... and Sunday resets where people clean their house and plan their week. These "couple reviews" should consist of the following things:
- Each say three things that have bothered you from one another (take into account one whole week has passed, if you remember these things then they're important even if it doesn't seem like they are).
- Each say three things that you valued from the other person (sometimes we focus on the negative and leave out the positive, by by doing this, you will realize the good things you didn't think before and the other person will feel valued).
- Discuss the things that could have gone better this week and how.
- Plan together any important things for the week and share what your week is going to look like. This will help you have both have a clear view the following days in both your life and your partner's.
Additional thoughts
This love contract is an overview of one can look like and ideas on things that should be worked on in a relationship. This is not exactly what you should do since most likely there will be other aspects of your life that should be taken into account like kids, money, friends, external family, vacations... As a couple you must both reflect on what parts of your life need to be organised and talked about and set rules for them. And remember communication is KEY.
Summary
- ⚪️ Four date nights a month with no distractions
- 🟢 Four separate nights a month
- 🟣 What aren't you comfortable with
- 🔵 When complaining do you want advice or comfort
- 🔴 Weekly reviews
- 🟤 Add rules for other aspects of your life
Sources
